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Saturday, May 25, 2019

Confidence


Last night I had a boudoir photo session. And I can’t describe the new appreciation I have for my body. I’ve climbed several mountains, I’ve trekked 500 miles across Spain and ran two half marathons, and I’ve never had this sense of body love. I know that sounds incredibly vain, so let me explain. When I found out my time was 2 hours 8 mins for my 20 kilometer run I was beyond proud. And I worked for it: my body was utterly exhausted, my legs sore and my stomach famished. When I saw the ocean for the first time coming upon Finisterre, knowing my destination, my walk and my adventure was coming to an end, the woman I walked beside for the last three days, earnestly cried, and I felt what she felt: joy and relief. It was such as sense of accomplishment that my legs had the strength and my heart had the determination to walk across Spain. But the confidence I felt last night, when being directed in a matching set of lace, the boldness that came with trailing my fingers across my stomach and the certainty that came when I let out a fiery growl, when my photographer Kayla looked me in the eyes and demanded to hear me roar, was a type of confidence that I have never possessed before.

I reached out to Kayla when I saw that she had done other boudoir shoots. I’m thirty-one, I’ve always wanted to do one and I’m just about to begin training for my first ever, marathon. Always an avid photographer, Kayla is new to taking professional photos, and she is in the beginning stages of launching her business Kay-Jo Photography. I told her that being pretty and unphotogenic is a thing and if she’s up for the challenge so was I.  We solidified a date and I formed a game plan. For six weeks I’ve created a routine of Hugo walking followed by working out each evening. Admittedly it’s been a bit of a forced practice at times, as I’m more of a runner than a free weights kind of woman. Asides for a desire for a bigger bust, I’m mostly happy with my body. I generally eat healthy and I’m quite active, but this was a great motivator to push myself harder and take a break from my wine and cheesies love affair. I’ve always wished that there were squats for my boobs and after some research I learned push/pull-ups were the answer, so I added that to the workout. Salads, squats and water-water-water, were key. After the purchase of some austere but fabulous attire, I was ready for my session.

I would be lying if I didn’t admit how terribly nervous I was for last night to happen. I texted my sister and confessed that I felt like I was about to go on a first date. I was often awkward and uncomfortable in everyday photos, so looking good naked was a extreme concern.

The photo shoot was everything but awkward. The room of the shoot was full of good vibes. Kayla provided sincere complements throughout the entire three hours, which replaced my butterflies with self assurance. Her gentle directions were simple and easy to follow; I knew she had all my best angles. The poses she suggested, although a workout at times, were beautifully staged. I felt she was just as excited about the results as I was. Her encouraging remarks made me feel strong and bad ass.

Looking at these pictures with Kayla this morning created such disbelief. I was amazed by the beauty in the shots.  I could see confidence pouring out of me in the photos, to such a degree that it took moments to find myself in these bad ass portraits. The woman in these photos, she’s on fucking fire. The entire affair was incredibly empowering. During that time frame, there wasn’t a moment I wasn’t proud and in love with my body and for a woman, I know just how rare that is.

I am strong. I am strong in my values, opinions, workmanship and loyalty, and I am unapologetically myself. But there is a difference between being strong and being confident. And during that boudoir session, Kayla was able to findtune her technique and perfect her ability to provide direction, and I found my confidence with my body.

Kindly,

Kirstin The Bad Ass


Accept who you are and revel in it.