Those old Insecurities

 

Highschool was an interesting time for me. I most certainly wasn’t a popular girl and I had yet to fully embrace my eccentric I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, and so my eccentric quirks were more or less dirty little secrets. I had a close group of girlfriends whom I basically spent every afternoon and evening with one of these three girls and I owe them my three years of surviving high school to. I really did enjoy my teenage years, living in Greenwood, where our main mode of transportation was our skater shoes. It was the time where I learned that drinking games and I had to agree to disagree. My Fridays were spent watching late released movies from the local video store and on the weekdays I found my love of running. With those few girlfriends, I still talk to them every so often; I was a bridesmaid for two of the girls’ weddings. All the same, in no way had I any desire to attend my ten year high school reunion.

So, I received a formal invitation from another old high school friend in the mail. I hadn’t seen her in years, and despite being in different social circles, we were close, as I remember our teenage days in our final year of school discussing our future in jittered whispers over our weekly coffee dates and the occasional after school run. We also had met up a handful of times after high school, when we were both in university, discussing current relationship statuses, previous partners and the next adulting steps.

Thinking about attending her wedding also brought back old insecurities and even current bouts of judgement. I keep realizing that I most likely won’t be my secure, happy, winning-at-life self, but rather the unsure teenager who just wanted to fit the mold of normalcy. I could easily picture myself, three wine glasses in, stumbling over responses to question after question as to when it was my turn to get hitched, why had I gracelessly opted out of, not one, but two future prospects who were local boys. I don’t feel the desire to explain how my lust for travel well exceeds any power my ovaries may have had over me. And should the gods forbid that I ever attend this event alone. Without at partner. Darling, you’re nearing 30. You’d best pair up soon - all the good ones will be gone. You’re getting wrinkles between your eyes, and lord knows your beauty won’t last forever.

 

Perhaps all those questions asked about my life are really genuine, and those people who’ve been in my life, either watching me grow up or had grown up with me actually are just curious.  Perchance it would be a glorious event and I’m seeing the questions that I sometimes ask myself when only I’m at my worst.  Maybe I’m unfairly accusing these people, who may, in reality, be my cheerleaders, rather than a reflection of how I sometimes see of myself. But, I’m not sure I’m prepared to chance that.

May the happy couple be more secure with their life decisions, as I’m not always with mine.

Kirstin

I'll pull it together and fix myself eventually. I know that it's mine - Phoebe Ryan, Mine