Begin Again

My past selves would not have given me enough credit to pull off the adventure I'm currently in the throws of. Most days I can't believe it myself. I stole this sentence form Anna Allen’s blog post, but I’m sure it came from my lips, too.*

On December 1, 2010 we moved into a house with walls painted the colour of lilacs, and a renovated kitchen. It was a kitchen girls only dream of, with granite countertops and a convection oven. I had a corporate job with rows of cubicles and a population in dress pants. I was in a long-term relationship with a truly wonderful guy and we were destined for a nuclear household. We had two dogs. Once I even tried on his sister’s wedding ring. 

And then everything unraveled. I realized that not only could I have more than this conventional lifestyle, but that I wanted more. I needed more. He got quiet and plunged into his career and I got louder and ran to farmers markets and into wine. We were as horrible to one another to the same degree in which we had once loved. We threw words like knives and then, I moved out.

I took my broken self and my dog and moved in with my mom in Airdrie. I realized that people ended relationships all the time, but I’m fairly confident no one hurt as I had. I broke up with my best friend.

I was beginning again. I leaned heavily on my family and friends, particularly Carol. And slowly I cried less. I found running, my old friend, and I volunteered at the Library booth at the Farmers Market in Airdrie. And suddenly, I found myself living in Golden, BC drinking wine with nurse friends. I was single and I needed to never mention having to begin again. I fell in love with winter; x-country skiing and snowboarding every weekend. I had some fabulous evenings with a Carnivore who didn’t recycle and suddenly I was wooed oh-so deeply by a hippy who worked the Ski Hill. The snow melted and the hippy moved away and quickly I planned my Peruvian adventure.

If ever a city was mine, it was Cuzco.  After eight glorious weeks of volunteering at Taracaya, an environmental conservation center in the Amazon Rain forest, I suddenly realized I was exactly where I was meant to be, in Cuzco, Peru. I met heaps of friends, including a Kiwi boy. The hardest decision was coming back to Canada.

Last night I was checking out flights to Bangkok. I’ll tour throughout Thailand to get to my next volunteering solo adventure. I’m also looking at doing HR work at a Pulp and Paper Mill in New Brunswick upon returning from Asia. I’ve always wanted to live on the East Coast, and perhaps with vacation boyfriend. Ever since visiting New Brunswick in September, my heart keeps whispering why not now?

You need to know that you are so much stronger than you’d ever like to talk about. You’re allowed to begin again, because you deserve nothing less than the world. There will so many different variations of him, and you need to find yourself before you'll ever find the right variation of him. It took changing my mind to realize that nothing can’t be undone. I you think that I'm reaching out to you by writing this, then I am and you want to begin again, too, you need to.

Kindly,

Kirstin

[It’s] the kind of happy you feel in your gut. And your heart.  - Anna Allen, Little Reminders of Love