I am. I am. I am

I love fall simply because of the clothing. I love sweaters, scarves, dark wash blue jeans and fake Uggs. Hell, I love pumpkin spice lattes!

I’ve just utilized my extra hour, sponsored by Daylight Saving time change, on the great online shopping debacle: three new sweaters for $50. Do I spend the money on clothing, or do I save it for traveling? This is a common theme in my life. Materialistic items made in China or hippy bag to be purchased while visiting Asia. New running clothes for funzies or necessary clothing for global hiking. Flight to Kelowna or flight to Laos. Pumpkin Spiced Latte or market beverage across the world?  Enjoying present situation or saving future fun?

My sister and her fiancé tease me on a regular occurrence on how frugal I am with my money.  I prefer the term careful, but Justin calls me cheap. Let’s just be clear, I was never so happy as I was traveling on that stinky bus through the Colca canyon in Peru. I want to save everything I can so I can go on another, longer adventure.

I do love my small town life; last night Megan, Justin, Natalie and I went on the Pumpkin Walk, where we followed the hundreds of greatly carved pumpkins and ogled over the kids’ costumes finishing the night off by gorging on mushroom chow main. I can’t wait for another season of x-country skiing and yoga. Did I mention that I basically have my own yoga studio in lieu of a dining room table?! This is the problem. I am very happy about my current situation. I’m worried I will lose myself in this small town lifestyle, and I will in fact buy that new Mazda. I’m terrified that I will wake up one day in a log house with a mortgage of my own. Sometimes I want beautiful vases and delicate trinkets. At times I have to remind myself, when I watch Natalie pile dive into Megan, that I don’t want this lifestyle, that I will ultimately be unhappy with a nuclear family and that white fence.

I crave global hiking, new towns and volunteer adventures. I dream in the colour of foreign languages. I want to go solo hiking and get lost to find myself. But sometimes I desire sweaters and half marathons, weekly yoga and routine girls’ night and that damn fence. 

I know there are other people who have this same dilemma, but they aren’t really in my current circle of friends in my small town lifestyle, so it’s terribly hard to find people who I can relate to my first world problems. I’ve compromised allot in my lifestyle in order to travel, but I’m not sure if this particular hardship is really a financial issue or perhaps I’m feeling out of place. I’m in the prime child bearing age. I had this revelation the other day that people at my age should be having children; they should be laying out their five-year plan. I don’t have a strategized life plan. My plan is to save money for my next adventure and for the first time since ending my long-term relationship, I feel lost.

 

Sometimes it really is hard to go up against the stream. I would just love to discuss this struggle this with a redhead over a non-franchise coffee where we can discuss the fear of caving into society’s expectations but the need to live out of a backpack for six months, phone-less and alone. I guess what I’m saying is that on days like these, I need more than support, I need insight and advice.

- K

My mind wants routs but my heart wants wings. I cannot bear the bickering.