Hell on High Heels

“Your life. I’m laughing at your life” Megan told me in breathless fragments over the phone as she nearly peed her pants in laughter as I was telling her about my most recent escapade. I got home at 3:30AM after a night of silliness and dancing with a new friend. Hugo and I went for a walk, had a coffee and then Megan and I went kayaking - I just discovered a kayak on my property. I just returned from dinner and strawberry-rhubarb crisp (rhubarb from my garden) with some wonderful friends. 

 I never had a life plan. I never grew up thinking that by a certain age I would have specific goals accomplished, and I most certainly never thought that at the age of twenty-seven I would be so damn happy with my life. I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately, and I think were three very significant moments in my life that has helped shape who I am today.

One. I’m not even sure how old I was, maybe thirteen, but myself and someone else, and I can’t remember who, went dress shopping. I remember trying on a particular dress that I was unsure about, and when I came out of the change room to check myself out in the mirror, the friend proclaimed that I had witches legs. It took me three years to start wearing skirts, four years to like how I look in them, and I’m still very uneasy in dresses. I’m told quite regularly how great of shape I am in, but I'm still unable to respond to these compliments with a simple “Thanks”. I think part of the reason why I am so obsessed with running and exercise in general and my plant-based diet (asides from the obvious pro-animal, thing) is my fear of acquiring more attributes to my body that I will dislike in addition to having witches legs.

Two. I was my second semester of University and my high school best friend, Morgan Mayer, suggested I take a Women’s Studies class, so I signed up for WMST: Gender and Pop Culture. I took one lecture to be hooked. It was as though for the first time in my life I was understood. I take great pride in being considered a feminist. I still encourage new university students to take a Women Studies course. It changed my life.

Three. For our grade twelve graduation celebration, we went on a camping trip. Mr. Stewart, everyone's old elementary school teacher, showed up for the trip to come direct some games we used to play when we were younger. I gave him a hug and he said to me “Wow Kirstin, I never thought you’d make it here today, and I don’t mean the grad trip”. This comment shattered me. This statement still causes me question my abilities in everything I do. I’m always surprised when someone so casually complements me on my intelligence. It seemed that Mr. Stewart didn't think I had any.

Machu Pichu, Peru

I’m one of the few individuals from my grad class who hasn’t had a pregnancy. I’m one of the few people who moved onto post secondary school. I’ve got a Business Degree with a Major in Human Resources. My job relates to my degree, and dare I be so bold enough to say I’m actually good at it. I took a solo trip to Peru and volunteered abroad, twice! I am a strong woman who is winning at life, and I can look amazing in a pencil skirt and a pair of heals. So Mr. Stewart, you can suck it!!

It’s the smallest moments that shape and change us. If I ask you what has been the most influential moments in your life, you would tell me it’s your wedding day, the day you met your spouse, Steve, the day Janae was born. I’m asking you to think about this again. Tell me what passing sentence, what comment, and what casual remark made you who you are today. I think after determining what these moments really are, you would become far more conscious on what you say to people and the lasting impression it could leave behind.

Kindly,

Kirstin

And this is the part where you find out who you are - Anonymous

Calling all suitors.

I can’t get on-board with this whole internet dating thing. Megan said this makes sense because I rely on intuition and positive energy (She may have just said that it’s because I’m such a hippy). I’m more of a, meet a guy at a bar/at some sort of activism rally, kind of gal. I believe that there is a perfect person for you at every stage of your life, but recently I've got a craving for a soul mate. I’ve met quite a few blokes who fit perfectly into my life during various time slots: from a short stint with the Carnivore Who Didn’t Recycle, to the Ski Bum, who I would have happily lived in a shanty with, except he wasn’t up to settling down (I’m sure this was Karma at it's best). There was that one time, when I met that boy, who could have been my Everything, but then there was that minor, living on different sides the world, detail.

 

I’m very happy with the life that I have built for myself and I’m ready to find those butterflies again. Recently I’ve had some encounters with some lads who I’ve bluntly assured them that they don’t want to get involved with someone who has my level of crazy. During my long-distant runs, I’ve mustered up a list of traits any suitor should be forewarned about before proceeding to get involved with a girl like me.

Ten very important things I’ve learned about myself (and you should probably know, too)

1. I’m addicted to coffee. Coffee with 18% cream.
2. Guilt regularly eats me alive and tend to I worry. Allot.
3. I have two sisters and a dog and they are my world. This essentially means that I don’t just have a bit of baggage, I’ve got a whole trailer full.
4. Taylor Swift is the soundtrack to my life (I’ll admit this).
5. I want make a positive impact on the world. I want to do this through both my lifestyle and traveling. I need someone with these same desires and values. I can’t stress this enough.
6. I only like carrots in my salad if they are shredded, not chopped.
7. I forgive rather easily; I find it too exhausting to be angry all the time (This may come hand in hand with not being assertive enough, or so I'm told).
8. I think I prefer white wine, but I opt for the red wine most of the time. I’m still trying to figure this one out.
9. I believe kindness is the sole action that will change the world.  I try to practice this.
10. I am very emotional. I'm either overly happy or sad within a moments notice. You’ll get immune to this eventually.

I’m seeking someone who will fall in love with my crazy. I need someone to push my boundaries and someone who can call me out on my bullshit. If you’re still in after I’ve verbally blown up after too much wine, after I’ve pushed you away and said terribly mean things to you, or after I’ve taken the advice of my two engaged sisters, then I promise I will be your Everything, I will love you unconditionally. I’ll be in for the long haul.

 

Kindly,

Kirstin

If nothing ever changed, there'd  be no butterflies. - Unknown

A house in the woods somewhere

I cut firewood for my long weekend. It was exactly what I wanted to do. Myself and two other girls, accompanied by our three dogs, learned how to use a chainsaw and cut firewood in the blazing sun. Using the chainsaw was harder than my Dad ever let o n. We were uncoordinated and clumsy at first, but soon caught on and fell into a cutting-stacking routine. We lit a campfire and sipped beer and devoured homemade pizza, congratulating our kick-ass efforts. Who needs a man? we laughed. We talked about how fortunate we were all living in log houses in the woods, with our dogs with jobs that held so much potential. 

I am happy. Even when I have to drive three hours to pick up flee medication, while feeling like the worst mother ever, I still love my life. Sharing onion rings with Hugo helped ease that guilt and he agrees. I’m very fortunate in life, and I know this. Last October I had my tarot cards read and was told that my world would blow up in a year and I would meet my soul mate. I joke that perhaps Hugo will die and I’ll just work a camp job, allowing me to travel the world during my time off.

There is this perception within North America that there is only one way to live to be happy. The societal norm is to find a companion, a house, perhaps a get dog but most certainly have a child or two. If we have this lifestyle, we will be happy, they say. I don’t think this is the only way to happiness. Dare I be so bold to say that most people who have followed this ideology aren’t all that happy? 

 

You don’t have to do what everyone else is doing to be happy. Stop telling people don’t have time. If it's important to you, you'll find a way to make it happen.  You own everything that happens to you; you control your life. What ruins your life is doing what is expected of you, not what you want to do. Make active decisions. Happiness is a choice.

I am happy, but I know that there may 'come a time when I will become discontent with my life, and maybe I will no longer love my house in the woods. I'll make small adjustments and change my routine, but if that black hole of restlessness grows and that feeling of melancholy persists, I’ll leave. Maybe the source of my life explosion will be me. Bring it on, soul mate.

Kindly,

Kirstin

For what it’s worth, it’s never too late to be whoever you want to be. I hope you live a life you’re proud of and if you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start over. - F.Scott Fitzherald.

My two forced friends.

Hello, lovely

I have the reassurance that regardless of the time of day or what it is, I can call either of them and ask for help, and without hesitation or judgement they’ll help me. Be it needing a recipe, an oil change, a new home,  new avocados, a Plan B, a rationalization, support on a decision, support on a job, if I ask,my sisters will help me.

 

This is an incomprehensible concept because, although our physical traits are similar, personality wise, we could not be more unlike. I don’t eat meat and when I call Megan, she and her fiancé are going hunting. Shawna owes a house, has a fiancé and is preparing to start a family. I can’t buy a new vehicle because it’s too much of a long term commitment. The cost of my jeans is equivalent to a pair of Megan’s socks. Shawna is known for being too brusque; I need how to learn how to be more assertive and start staying no. Megan’s pro-life. I’m a feminist. 

And, oh, can we ever fight with each other. We can be fearlessly and ruthlessly cruel towards one another. We regret our verbal explosion, regularly. It irritates me that Megan doesn’t recycle and Shawna constantly harasses me about not staying in touch with our extended family. They would counter with an endless list of what annoys them about me.

The Monkies

But, all of these lifestyle differences, ethical variations, hurtful comments and petty arguments become invalid when I call either sister in distraught, and the same goes when they call me. I was once told that if one McNeil sister isn’t happy then no McNeil sister is happy; we protect each other unconditionally and without question. I am regularly woken up at three in the morning worried about my sisters’ worries. We are also really good at being fake happy about each others’ achievements and decision when they are our own biggest fears. I may not understand their life choices or follow the footsteps of their standard of living, but I support them wholeheartedly.

I talk about my both sisters to people who don’t know them so often that when they talk about my sisters, it's on on a first name basis, as if know them. I collect stories of them that I will tell on their wedding day, these loving and ridiculous stories change daily. The spare bedroom in Shawna’s house is deemed mine. When Megan mentions taking family photos with her fiance and two children, Hugo and I assume to be included. The success of my life has been a direct result of the support of my sisters.  

How lucky am I am to have sisters who spend some of their moments being excited and worried about me? And perhaps this is the definition of unconditional love.

Ha. Take that Hallmark. 

Smiles,

Kirstin

Even the people in my life who haven't met you, like you, just from the stories – A card that Shawna gave me for my birthday.