He sent me a text message of a photo with his supervisor’s loopy signature approving the request for him to take the last week of May off. Tell Kubo I say thanks, I text back. With that, I zipped up my coat and walked into my supervisor’s office, and with marker in hand I squiggled a sad face on his large wall calendar. I pointed to the sad face and told him that May twenty-fifth would be the last day of my contract. After a week vaca down in and around Canmore to visit some friends and family, and a side trip of sky diving, quite naturally, it looks as if I’m looking at flying out of Canada on June 2nd.
So, Lucie (a friend through my sister, who reads
this blog) recently asked how I am be so brave*. I didn’t really have much of an
answer, because of all things I would consider myself: hippy, minimalist,
crazy-pants, feminist (radical feminist?! <3), wino, vegetarian-ish, runner, aunt, The Girl, sister,
ect, I never really thought of myself as being brave.
I’m choosing to end my
contract and travel to my fourth continent knowing full well that I may come
back to Canada unemployed, homeless and perhaps with some foreign disease. But
this is the third(!) time I’ll be following my happiness of my heart rather
than the safety of my brain, and it has worked out pretty okay thus far. This
doesn’t mean I won’t be calling my big sister from some box store (Atmosphere,
perhaps this time) the day before I fly out verbally puking all my fears and
foes to her. That’s the thing with living hard (or being brave?), you’re allowed
to second guess yourself and you’re allowed to be scared. And then do it
anyway.
I love my job. Despite
having to have that extra long ski/run in order calm my work-crazy at the end
of the day, I often wonder if the big-wigs Must know how not-suited I am for this
job. I have very bad days and days where I cry in my car, between sobs,
explaining my very bad days to my good friend in the company parking lot. But I
love my job. And I want to stay with my company and climb that corporate
ladder, because despite at times crying, some days I know I’m kicking ass and
taking names. Some days I’m on fire. I want to take on more with my role which
will scare me and force me to grow. But I cannot half-heatedly take on another
contract without a quick trip to that fourth Continent. So I solidify my end
date, to a job I love knowing something else will come up that will make my
heart just as happy. After Europe. And perhaps that’s my work-life balance, but
this hasn`t always been the case. It’s taken past jobs, in past lives, where it
seems there was this old Kirstin, this Girl Before Me who finally found the
courage to choose a happy life over a work life, and opted to leave Calgary,
for Golden, BC. It was glorious place and it was horrible job. But the thing is, once
you’ve quit a job for the first time, it’s pretty easy to quite another job. So
I left a job that made me cry three times in seven months, and went traveling. And
that made my soul happy.
I’m a pretty confident girl.
It’s taken me many years to realize that I am pretty smart, pretty kind and
pretty and that the guy I get to call my Boyfriend* is pretty
lucky to have me. I’ve taken the long way ‘round to get here, though. Way back
in my Calgary days, during the ending of my five-year relationship, during that
last year I finally started trying just as he gave up. He didn’t want me
emotionally or sexually (so, that`ll make a girl incredibly insecure) and I
retaliated by using very sharp words as very sharp daggers, spitting
them out like venom, viciously letting my loose lips move without regret or
forethought and oh, did he ever do the same. My Ex and I did everything we
could to destroy each other, and we almost did. That relationship taught me, taught
the Girl before Me, the new me, that
I deserved to be with a boy who values me, and to make sure I appreciate that
boy, or I should simply choose to be single. 
So, I just went on my first
Northern, BC snowboard trip with the Hunter and a few of his people. It was amazing and I was exhausted. We drank hard and he pushed me hard (he keeps me
wild, remember). But somehow I managed to keep up with the boys and had a great
time doing it, and so they agreed that the Hunter can keep me. I was feeling
pretty confident that weekend. And, like I said, I’m now a pretty confident
girl. And then I strutted into the lodge in my board boots and suddenly ran
into The Girl Before Me, the Hunter`s Ex. I could hear the Hunter chatting with
her family (he loved them allot and I loved him for that) as washed my hands in
the girl`s washroom wishing and willing that I had some alcohol on me. I would
have given anything for some liquor courage at that moment. I was no longer
confident, but I was insecure and second guessing, just like before. I bravely
walked out of the washroom, he smiled that smile that I loved him for and asked
me if I was ready and I nodded as I made eye contact with The Girl Before Me as
we left the lodge. Hours later I sipped
the fireball that warmed my insides, and all I could think about was how pretty she was, and how pretty-kind
she probably was, too.
And I suppose that’s where
it all comes from. I’m not brave, I’m just blessed to realize how far I’ve come.
I learned from my past, from The Girl before me, who I used to be. I’m not sure
the person I knew back in 2011 would recognize who I am today, but I’m fairly confident,
The Girl Before Me would be very happy with this new version. I know what being
unhappy with life feels like, and I never want to feel like that again. So, I
make decisions and take calculated risks to keep finding this happiness, be it
in a job, boy or life in general. And perhaps that should be the disclaimer of
whole dang blog. I still have bad days, where I have had a solid screaming match with
the Hunter (It’s been our first one yet) due to sheer exhaustion after a day of
boarding, and then continued to back my car in a snow bank because I refused to
apologize or ask him for help. I’m still not trying to include my Dad in this
new life of mine, when I don’t approve of his life choices and he doesn't understand
mine – I’m quite sure he would be just fine if I remained as The Girl Before Me.
So, talk we do not. I regularly wear my
extra nice clothes to work when I know it’s going to be a rough day – if I’m
going get fired, I’ll be damned if I look like a corporate girl receiving that
pink slip.
Bold as I may be, I’m not nearly as brave as
you think I am. I’m just trying to live hard.
Truthfully,
A Calamity Kirstin Disclaimer
We are our choices.
*It’s taken wine to press the publish button on this post. Yep, it’s like 4:00PM
**I referred to the Hunter as
my boyfriend for the first time ever yesterday, to my landlord’s son.
