Those old Insecurities

 

Highschool was an interesting time for me. I most certainly wasn’t a popular girl and I had yet to fully embrace my eccentric I-don’t-give-a-fuck attitude, and so my eccentric quirks were more or less dirty little secrets. I had a close group of girlfriends whom I basically spent every afternoon and evening with one of these three girls and I owe them my three years of surviving high school to. I really did enjoy my teenage years, living in Greenwood, where our main mode of transportation was our skater shoes. It was the time where I learned that drinking games and I had to agree to disagree. My Fridays were spent watching late released movies from the local video store and on the weekdays I found my love of running. With those few girlfriends, I still talk to them every so often; I was a bridesmaid for two of the girls’ weddings. All the same, in no way had I any desire to attend my ten year high school reunion.

So, I received a formal invitation from another old high school friend in the mail. I hadn’t seen her in years, and despite being in different social circles, we were close, as I remember our teenage days in our final year of school discussing our future in jittered whispers over our weekly coffee dates and the occasional after school run. We also had met up a handful of times after high school, when we were both in university, discussing current relationship statuses, previous partners and the next adulting steps.

Thinking about attending her wedding also brought back old insecurities and even current bouts of judgement. I keep realizing that I most likely won’t be my secure, happy, winning-at-life self, but rather the unsure teenager who just wanted to fit the mold of normalcy. I could easily picture myself, three wine glasses in, stumbling over responses to question after question as to when it was my turn to get hitched, why had I gracelessly opted out of, not one, but two future prospects who were local boys. I don’t feel the desire to explain how my lust for travel well exceeds any power my ovaries may have had over me. And should the gods forbid that I ever attend this event alone. Without at partner. Darling, you’re nearing 30. You’d best pair up soon - all the good ones will be gone. You’re getting wrinkles between your eyes, and lord knows your beauty won’t last forever.

 

Perhaps all those questions asked about my life are really genuine, and those people who’ve been in my life, either watching me grow up or had grown up with me actually are just curious.  Perchance it would be a glorious event and I’m seeing the questions that I sometimes ask myself when only I’m at my worst.  Maybe I’m unfairly accusing these people, who may, in reality, be my cheerleaders, rather than a reflection of how I sometimes see of myself. But, I’m not sure I’m prepared to chance that.

May the happy couple be more secure with their life decisions, as I’m not always with mine.

Kirstin

I'll pull it together and fix myself eventually. I know that it's mine - Phoebe Ryan, Mine

Good News Story

I’m sipping on glorious coffee. Coffee that I didn’t have for the last two weeks because I was a 5am Zombie seeking refuge in a coffee bean grinder, but rather than getting some caffeine into these veins I  was left picking up pieces of my French Press that I somehow knocked off the counter which shattered into no less than a zillion pieces. 5:00AM is my new wake up time now that I am carless until I fly back to Alberta to find me a new car for the remainder of my contract as Josie’s clutch blew and her transmission no longer talks – it died fifteen minutes from home one evening two weeks ago. But wait, this is a Good News Story because I’m sipping on glorious coffee.

When I mentioned to a work friend that I’m headed into town to get a new French Press, and explained the mishap, in no less than ten minuets I had French Press, identical to my broken one, in my hot little paws. Hello Lover! She had a second one at work and said I could borrow it until I moved. Did I mention how I had planned on getting to the store (I live twenty in the bush) that day, or how I’ve been getting to work?! My lovely friend was headed in that direction and invited me along, as she knew I was stranded in my Tiny Home until the foreseeable future. In fact, she’s been car pooling me to work and back each day. I’ve also had another close work friend (who is kind of a big deal – Corporate Accountant) drive me home, as well as my freakin’ boss. His boss has been getting updates on my car situation, as he explains “I don’t have any daughters, only sons, so I worry about you galls”.

My mom’s been ever searching for a vehicle for me so when I fly back to Calgary in a few weeks, all I need to do is register and insure it. I’m also very much happy about this serendipitous flight, as I haven’t really been back in Calgary since I move up North, and so I’ll have food-truck adventures and Italian Market dates to attend to with close friends and a mum and sister to visit! Josie currently resides at the Kal Tire parking lot, where they said it could stay until I move it, and it was another close friend who drove me home on the night of the breakdown – a little soggy after a shower at 10:30 in the evening as she was preparing to turn in. I’ve had various people offer to lend me their vehicles, some of whom I was very much shocked at such a grand gesture.

I couldn’t be more appreciative for such kindness. I promise that all of these generous offers and deeds will not go unnoticed and will absolutely be paid forward. These last few weeks have really made me realise now grateful I am for My People. 

Ultimately, at the end of the day and when given the opportunity, most people want to do good in the world. I don’t think it’s because they’re expecting something in return, or that the underlying reason was simply in case the same situation rises in reverse, I really think it has to do with just being nice and having good souls. I don’t think we are genetically coded to be shitty humans or that it all comes down to survival of the fittest. I think it has to do with humans being social creatures; it takes a village to raise a child and as Jack Johnson explains, we’re better together.

 

Most Kindly, 

Kirstin

And I figure, maybe just believing in goodness generates as tiny bit of the stuff, so that being so foolish as to believe in our better natures, if just for a day, we actually contribute to the sum total generosity in the university. - Julie Powell, Julie & Julia

my Freedom Ring

A close friend of mine, whom I love, had to drive over an hour to pick up her wedding rings because she quite simply couldn’t live another moment without them – they’ve been away getting cleaned for the past three weeks. I smiled at her and the feminist in me shook my head because I couldn’t quite get the notion of not being able to live without a piece of jewelry. 

But, after a long walk and some thoughts about that ring and what it represents, I realize that I have accessories that I cherish more than I could ever explain. Peruvian bracelets bought with penny’s that remind me of venturing those cobblestone streets and that yoga class taken in Cusco. Two pearls from a necklace that was once gifted from a potential in-law but has now been reincarnated into feminist’s necklace – because every girl needs to display their balls. I have my own sort of ring. I’ve read a random book (How to be Single), which said that if you wear a ring on your middle finger, next to your left ring finger it seems to catch the people’s attention in that you are not married. In Jasper I was willing to spend a couple hundred on a ring that represents my current marital status. My Freedom Ring is a copper ring with a triangle on it with the dollar value of thirteen and the symbolic value of priceless. And like the wedding ring, blushingly, I too feel a little out of sorts without it.

I’m still unsure that I ever want to retire my Freedom Ring. I’ve asked my lovely friend is her Marriage has changed their relationship, she said her wedding simply a huge part. The best party ever, and her relationship with her partner really hasn’t changed because of it. I really can’t comprehend the idea wanting to be with someone forever, it sounds like an impossible idea but I suppose I am wanting some parts of what that ring represents. I would love to find someone who can handle my crazy, who can support and encourage my belief system, but I’m not willing to settle on just anyone. I feel like half the reason I stay in such good shape is so I can be fifty and lovely enough to still find someone worth finding, because my Man-List is quite precise. I’m also proud of my Freedom Ring. I like my single identity and, as my massage therapist reminded me, I still have the rest of my life to find someone to be with, there’s no need to get desperate.

Over a campfire one evening, we asked my friend how she met her husband. It was a silly, wonderful story. The pair of them shared these smiles over the fire as they took turns explaining the story It was adorable. And there was so much love in that story. And there is so much love in their story. I was heart sick. I couldn't help thinking, damn, I want that.

Kirstin

It is important to be happy if you're single, but that doesn't mean being in love is a bad thing either.

Secrets and Dreams

I’ve been told that we dream about what we are unable to sort out during the day, so our subconscious processes during the night. I know different things in dreams symbolize reality. Whenever I dream about entering an elevator it always starts spinning, whenever I’m driving a car, I am always unable to control the gas – I am always speeding down the highway nearly missing or completely hitting object.

It’s those vivid dreams you have when you wake up and it takes a moment to place yourself. You need to talk yourself down. Weather a good illusion, a nightmare or simply a accurate dream, the dream was so vivid and so visually precise and those feelings and reciprocations were so perfectly real that there’s no way the other individual in the dream couldn’t have had the same dream that you’d had. I guess I’d like to think this is a way I connect with those people I rarely see because they are no longer in my life either because of physically distance or on emotional grounds.

This is where I mentioned that I had this intense dream about a supervisor that I had been working with quite closely and often.  He's certainly someone that I do not intimate feelings for, and I know his wife just from the stories he tells me about them. Good, lovely stories. Regardless, it was so scandalous that when I saw him the next day, I blushed uncontrollably while he was speaking to me. He walked into a wall while I was blushing and unable to make eye contact. Perhaps we shared the same dream?

I yearn for these dreams with some people. There are so many people in my life that I feel I have unfinished business with. I`m certain these individuals in my life that have only been in my life for a short season were meant to stay longer. They were to stay more than merely the lesion. As the country song goes: I`ve lost good friends to foolish pride. But with others, it had nothing to do with smugness or choice, but it was more timing and fate. So, I stay under covers for a few more minutes than usual and relish in warmth of the blanket and the dream. I head off to work with the bittersweet reminder of how happy I was with a person in my life but also, how surely we will probably not ever meet up again.

 

A previous partner and I went our separate ways - it was agreed that this was best, but it wasn’t exactly a mutual decision. I had initiated the breakup, but we were to remain on friendly terms, but it was too much for him.  After having a dream about him, which, might I add wasn’t even a romantic dream, it was simply a dream so real that I’m sure I was lucid, I sent him a text. I asked what he dreamed about the previous night. His response was that it was the first time in six days he hasn’t dreamed about me. I have spoken to him or dream about him since.

 Dreams are illustrations from a book your soul is writing about you.