Tuesday, December 29, 2015
I’m tired of being quick to anger when I’m around her. I don’t even understand how I can get so illogically mad with the things that she does – I see daggers when she chooses not to partake in a conversation and yet I also see them when she does come up and attempts smalltalk; it’s as if I can’t possibly see the good in her.
This isn't my fault (I add, defensively), she's turned me against her with her underhanded complements, subtle grievances and even those occasional actions that outright express that she has no interest in inviting me into the world that she's overtaken. I.get.so.angry. to such a point that I question who I am after these toxic interactions have occurred. I do not get this angry, I am not that person.
The thing is, she`s tearing my world apart, and I'm letting her. Me avoiding her is resulting in me missing out on important aspects of my life – parts of it that I will not get back, and these people will only remain in my life for so long before my next venture. So, I ask myself, holding in this anger, this resentment and these negative thought, who is this really impacting?
Ultimately, I suppose that this is no fault but my own. I can choose to react differently, and believe the best of her. It`s not in my personality or in my nature to think these kinds of behaviors are of the human nature. I'm just choosing to construe these notions one way, and falsely create these accusations when perhaps it's meant to be interpreted another way.
I've been invited to a weekend class on forgiveness. I'm going to start over, and try to repair this so these exchanging of words don't have to be so volatile, so negatively all consuming. I'm calling a truce, and openly acknowledge with her that this is how I have been understanding our relationship to be, and that I don't want it to continue this way. It's all too emotionally exhausting.
I suppose for it's for my benefit as much as it`s for hers. Anger takes up so much energy and I wasn't built to be an angry person, to hold onto grudges or to allow my heart to hurt as it does, given these situations.
Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die - Budha
Sunday, December 13, 2015
It took me a bit to finally admit this to myself. I tried to leave these small-town routes shortly after high school, escaping my hickish identity as quickly as possible. Enter very large city: fast cars, big malls and loosing myself in all the chaos. I believe that a place is what you make it and I respect those who couldn’t image living outside the beltline of a large city, but the city just wasn’t for me.
Airdrie, Golden and The 'hoof were the homes that I was looking for. I didn’t realize how much my lifestyle revolves around the outdoors until my backyard became the perfect piece of land to cross-country ski on and I was able to use my dirt roads to train for my half marathon on. I would much rather campfires to clubs. I watch Gilmore Girls secretly hoping that Stars Hollow isn't a fictional town. I fell in love with my boyfriend's friends, Sarah and Jeff, and it was great spending a night in their small town. We listened to country music eating hot (zucchini) dogs at the campfire and two-stepped under the stars. If I wasn't such an indecisive hot-mess, it would be exactly the kind of permanent lifestyle I'm searching for; I would like to be their neighbors. Although I have unreliable cell service and the only item I can really order off the menu at the few restaurants are salads and onion rings, I wouldn’t trade it.
I’m not prepared to purchase some land and put away my backpack quite yet, but in-between my travel stints, I’m pretty happy living among the cows and wood stoves. I'm hoping if I do settle down, it'll be in a small community with old rickety museums, non-franchise coffee shops and people who know are too interested in your life.
Well I found a girl and we don't fit in here, talk about how hard it is to breathe here, Even with the windows down can't catch a southern breeze here, One of these days gonna pack it up and leave here - Tim McGrraw