She was this energetic blond, a New York original turned Thai local, with a high ponytail who looked nowhere near strong enough to hold the security rope to act as my counterweight for if and when I let go and fall.
I nodded to her, because nine meters up, what else can you do, and as directed: hips out and knees bent, holding the surprisingly weighty bar forward as I teadered on the edge of a generous fall, I heard the words HUFF, leaped forwards and swung above the rope netting. I was flying.
I wanted to accomplish something completely out of my comfort zone. Perhaps it was to redeem myself? I'm still not sure why. I was able to get into a last minute trapeze class the day before we left the island of Koh Tao to move on to another country.
A few days prior, I was sitting in the small room with Mike, our newfound German friend, Philip, and our Italian scuba instructor, Marcos. My knees were quite literally shaking as Marcos discussed the four sicknesses that one could get from scuba diving (most of them with a relatively low survival rate). The key to not getting decompression sickness is to not assend too fast, and how to prevent yourself from getting the other four life threatening illnesses (which is essentially caused from your lungs exploding when you assened the ocean while holding your breath) is simple: Keep breathing. Deep inhale, deep exhale. Stay calm. Don't hold your breath. Relaaaaaax. Marcos said this in his rolling Italian accent. I could have laughed out loud. And I probably did. That was not me at all.
So, I put my buoyancy control device and air tank on, put my goggles over my face, inhaled into my respirator and when under water. Breathing under the water is surreal. It's hard. It goes against human law. Taking my goggles off and clearing them was difficult. It took everything to remain under the water in the pool for 30 minute increments. Every part of my being wanted to come up. But as the hand signals and requests from Marcos got harder, like taking my weights off, it distracted me from constantly obsessing over my breathing. I started to calm down. My heart stopped pounding so noticeably and I begun to enjoy the experience. I struggled hard with equalizing my ear pressure as we went deeper. Due to multiple snorkel outings and a bit of a cold, my ears couldn't handle it. Mike was insistent that my ears would have equalized if I went to the ocean, but I wasn't so sure since I struggled in the pool. I was worried they wouldn't equalize and I would hurt my ears.
And these are the hard things: I don't trust my institution anymore. I can't tell the difference between listening to my gut or wondering if it's simply anxiety taking over. This isn't the first time this has happened while traveling. The beautiful part about traveling is not only about what you learn in different parts of the world, but traveling forces you to deal with the hard parts of you, and worst parts of yourself. It pushes your comfort zone beyond anything you could imagine. Traveling Thailand has been beautiful and exhausting; traveling is amazing and horribly hard.
So, I completed half of the open water dive course: wrote the test, but when it came to diving in the ocean, it needed to be put on hold. I was heartbroke, and I'm pretty sure, so was Mike. We're headed to Indonesia [right now] where I can complete my dives and get certified (and I will), but I'm pretty disappointed in myself.
Mike fell in love with Koh Tao when he was here 3 years ago, when I first showed up on the 9 mile island back in 2016, it was full of white expats and young partiers, there was no culture, and so I had no interest in staying so I did a few hikes and hightailed it back to Chaing Mai. This time, Mike talked me into jumping onto a bike with him and driving around the island. It wasn't my first time riding with him, as we had a few trips in Hoi Hin, our first stop in Southern Thailand. But it took time for me to get comfortable jumping onto the back of Mike's bike and going 50k's an hour around the winding, old roads of Koh Tao. In Thailand, you're driving on the opposite side of the road. It was exhilarating and required all trust. He took me to his favorite snorkeling beach and with Thailand still recovering from the costs of COVID beaches were mostly quiet. It was nothing short of spectacular. The water was a beautiful blue and perfectly clear. It was like jumping onto a Lonely Planet Ocean episode. I kept expecting to hear David Atenburrow commentating on the angel fish swimming coupled up, or the swarms of fish - we saw a school of blue tuna with yellow speckles that were about a foot long each. Mike popped up from the water below and said they looked delicious. You could hear the multi coloured parrot fish crunch on corral to sustain themselves. I loved every moment every time we were in the water. And I am not a water person. Mike kept telling me how much I'd love diving, and I was completely on board. This added salt to the injury when I didn't get what we came to Thailand for: an open water dive ticket.
Traveling is amazing, but it's also incredibly hard and frustrating and stressful. I'm laughing, typing this as we just realized our hotel in Jakarta is a 1 hour, 45 minute drive from the airport. Like, what the hell do we even do with that?! But it's all relative, as for a few hours we were unsure if we can get into Indonesia as our COVID travel pass has yet to be approved. With some high emotions (our Thai via expires in two days) and a few calls to the Canadian embassy (who weren't all that forthcoming), we were reassured that would Should be find. I'll let you know when we land.
I needed remember who I was, and that my anxiety did not define me. I really love doing hard things that scare me. And I thought that as the butterflies came rushing into me as I swung on the trapeze. I listened to the instructor as she yelled legs up! And around! And my legs swung above my head and over the bar. I let go and suddenly it was only my legs holding me and everything else was in mid air. I rocked back and forth, the adrenaline ever growing and trusted the instructor, and let go of everything, when she yelled LET GO! And backflipped mid air, letting the net catch me.
Because anxiety or gut, despite forever struggling to tell them a part and always questioning my instinct. Regardless of why, fear is fear and when you're able to get passed it, the world and these adventures are amazing. And that makes all the scray moments absolutely worth it.
Kirstin
Getting lost will help you find yourself.
