Give Forgiveness a Try

I’m tired of being quick to anger when I’m around her. I don’t even understand how I can get so illogically mad with the things that she does – I see daggers when she chooses not to partake in a conversation and yet I also see them when she does come up and attempts smalltalk; it’s as if I can’t possibly see the good in her.

This isn't my fault (I add, defensively), she's turned me against her with her underhanded complements, subtle grievances and even those occasional actions that outright express that she has no interest in inviting me into the world that she's overtaken. I.get.so.angry. to such a point that I question who I am after these toxic interactions have occurred. I do not get this angry, I am not that person.

The thing is, she`s tearing my world apart, and I'm letting her. Me avoiding her is resulting in me missing out on important aspects of my life – parts of it that I will not get back, and these people will only remain in my life for so long before my next venture. So, I ask myself, holding in this anger, this resentment and these negative thought, who is this really impacting? 

Ultimately, I suppose that this is no fault but my own. I can choose to react differently, and believe the best of her. It`s not in my personality or in my nature to think these kinds of behaviors are of the human nature. I'm just choosing to construe these notions one way, and falsely create these accusations when perhaps it's meant to be interpreted another way.

I've been invited to a weekend class on forgiveness. I'm going to start over, and try to repair this so these exchanging of words don't have to be so volatile, so negatively all consuming. I'm calling a truce, and openly acknowledge with her that this is how I have been understanding our relationship to be, and that I don't want it to continue this way. It's all too emotionally exhausting.

I suppose for it's for my benefit as much as it`s for hers. Anger takes up so much energy and I wasn't built to be an angry person, to hold onto grudges or to allow my heart to hurt as it does, given these situations. 

Worst case scenario, I can kill her with kindness. Maybe she really is a good person.

 -K

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die - Budha

When you wake up in a small town

Greenwood

So, I’ve learned to be a little cautious to what I say in the ‘hoof’s pub, after I’ve had a few Tall Boys because gets around rather quickly in a small town.  I have regular run-ins at the grocery store wearing merely my yoga clothes with people who shouldn’t be seeing me in merely my yoga clothes. I won’t be staying in this northern town for very much longer, but the next town I’ll call home will surely be another small town gem.

Golden

It took me a bit to finally admit this to myself. I tried to leave these small-town routes shortly after high school, escaping my hickish identity as quickly as possible. Enter very large city: fast cars, big malls and loosing myself in all the chaos. I believe that a place is what you make it and I respect those who couldn’t image living outside the beltline of a large city, but the city just wasn’t for me. 

The 'hoof

Airdrie, Golden and The 'hoof were the homes that I was looking for. I didn’t realize how much my lifestyle revolves around the outdoors until my backyard became the perfect piece of land to cross-country ski on and I was able to use my dirt roads to train for my half marathon on.  I would much rather campfires to clubs. I watch Gilmore Girls secretly hoping that Stars Hollow isn't a fictional town.  I fell in love with my boyfriend's friends, Sarah and Jeff, and it was great spending a night in their small town. We listened to country music eating hot (zucchini) dogs at the campfire and two-stepped under the stars. If I wasn't such an indecisive hot-mess, it would be exactly the kind of permanent lifestyle I'm searching for; I would like to be their neighbors. Although I have unreliable cell service and the only item I can really order off the menu at the few restaurants are salads and onion rings, I wouldn’t trade it.

 I’m not prepared to purchase some land and put away my backpack quite yet, but in-between my travel stints, I’m pretty happy living among the cows and wood stoves. I'm hoping if I do settle down, it'll be in a small community with old rickety museums, non-franchise coffee shops and people who know are too interested in your life.

Smiles, 

Kirstin

Well I found a girl and we don't fit in here, talk about how hard it is to breathe here, Even with the windows down can't catch a southern breeze here, One of these days gonna pack it up and leave here - Tim McGrraw

Begin Again

My past selves would not have given me enough credit to pull off the adventure I'm currently in the throws of. Most days I can't believe it myself. I stole this sentence form Anna Allen’s blog post, but I’m sure it came from my lips, too.*

On December 1, 2010 we moved into a house with walls painted the colour of lilacs, and a renovated kitchen. It was a kitchen girls only dream of, with granite countertops and a convection oven. I had a corporate job with rows of cubicles and a population in dress pants. I was in a long-term relationship with a truly wonderful guy and we were destined for a nuclear household. We had two dogs. Once I even tried on his sister’s wedding ring. 

And then everything unraveled. I realized that not only could I have more than this conventional lifestyle, but that I wanted more. I needed more. He got quiet and plunged into his career and I got louder and ran to farmers markets and into wine. We were as horrible to one another to the same degree in which we had once loved. We threw words like knives and then, I moved out.

I took my broken self and my dog and moved in with my mom in Airdrie. I realized that people ended relationships all the time, but I’m fairly confident no one hurt as I had. I broke up with my best friend.

I was beginning again. I leaned heavily on my family and friends, particularly Carol. And slowly I cried less. I found running, my old friend, and I volunteered at the Library booth at the Farmers Market in Airdrie. And suddenly, I found myself living in Golden, BC drinking wine with nurse friends. I was single and I needed to never mention having to begin again. I fell in love with winter; x-country skiing and snowboarding every weekend. I had some fabulous evenings with a Carnivore who didn’t recycle and suddenly I was wooed oh-so deeply by a hippy who worked the Ski Hill. The snow melted and the hippy moved away and quickly I planned my Peruvian adventure.

If ever a city was mine, it was Cuzco.  After eight glorious weeks of volunteering at Taracaya, an environmental conservation center in the Amazon Rain forest, I suddenly realized I was exactly where I was meant to be, in Cuzco, Peru. I met heaps of friends, including a Kiwi boy. The hardest decision was coming back to Canada.

Last night I was checking out flights to Bangkok. I’ll tour throughout Thailand to get to my next volunteering solo adventure. I’m also looking at doing HR work at a Pulp and Paper Mill in New Brunswick upon returning from Asia. I’ve always wanted to live on the East Coast, and perhaps with vacation boyfriend. Ever since visiting New Brunswick in September, my heart keeps whispering why not now?

You need to know that you are so much stronger than you’d ever like to talk about. You’re allowed to begin again, because you deserve nothing less than the world. There will so many different variations of him, and you need to find yourself before you'll ever find the right variation of him. It took changing my mind to realize that nothing can’t be undone. I you think that I'm reaching out to you by writing this, then I am and you want to begin again, too, you need to.

Kindly,

Kirstin

[It’s] the kind of happy you feel in your gut. And your heart.  - Anna Allen, Little Reminders of Love