Learning my Worth

February 2021

The idea of living off the land in gypsy-like state in a tent for summers at a time sounded incredibly romantic, but since I was long past the part of my life where I had the ambition, fitness and grime factor (circa: living in the jungle in 2013), the idea of working as an HR and Safety Coordinator at an organization for a reforestation company suited me just fine. So, when I was contacted for a Zoom interview, the potential of working for sustainable and green organization filled my hippy cup and part of me has always felt I missed out on being a tree planter for a season or two.

February 2020

If I’m being honest, so much of the reason as to why I accepted the previous offer was because of the money. Finally, I thought, I was learning my worth. I’m still a believer in Signs and although the HR Manager at the Mine assured me that a six month contract often had a way of flipping into a full time gig, I knew that all I would need was a contract because after that, we would be headed off to Australia*. The independent-woman in me wanted to try out life in camp, and despite the role reversal of Mike staying at home to watch Hugo, and the fact that it was he himself who was trying to get a job at a mine, he was more than willing to support my career move.

Immediately I realized the importance and necessity of building repors with my hiring managers, in order to understand the skill sets candidates needed to have to successfully fill a role. I reached out to my old HR Manager who also switched industries but in reverse, which I gained invaluable amounts of knowledge through asking him question after question about the roles within the mining industry. I can’t tell you the number of times typed into Google: what does an Engineer... Metallurgist... Control Roomer Operator... do?

I stormed into those meeting rooms wearing steel toes and dark wash jeans to balance the no bullshit tattoos and a septum piercing and countering them with a very professional and a very feminine top. I knew I was once again entering the old, white mans’ club and a new industry that I needed to learn, and do so quickly. Most of upper management passed me off for a 20-something little girl with a bounce in her step. But, I was the recruiter for the entire Mine site goddamnit, and it took some time for them to accept this and even more so, for me too.

It seemed that the previous recruiters didn’t have a have a whole lot of use, as hiring managers where pleasantly surprised when I came prepared, facilitating the interviews and learning the needs of each department. After hiring well over 30 haul truck drivers in the Pit, one of the Superintendents gave me a good job kiddo after filling our ever revolving open positions. I took what I could get and took the childlike praise for a win. Surprisingly, I was filling roles that were deemed unfillable. 

I was killing it at my job and the money was rolling in. After nine years and three continents, I was able to pay off my $27,000 student loan, interest not included. I purchased some extravagant snowboard gear without thinking, had the adventure of a lifetime salmon fishing at Babine Lake, and I went on my first ocean fishing trip (without puking on the rough waters) on a whim, all the while saving for our Australia trip.

February 2021

I was pretty disheartened; The Zoom interview was terrible, the interview was poorly conducted, and some of my responses were weak. I knew I needed to find a safe space where I could hone in on my recruiting skills, but also develop knowledge on the safety side of things, where I was lacking from a experience standpoint.

February 2020

Mentally, I was starting to crumble. There was hostility between my hiring managers and upper management, and I was having to navigate through the cold office climate, at times being directly in the middle when our hard work and hiring process was put to a blunt stop. I did not jive with my General Manger. I was previously gifted with three Plant Managers within the Forestry Industry who were very much Big-Deals but understood where they came from. I had respectful relationships with them and learned that arrogance wasn’t the key to being successfully responsible a site, regardless of the industry.

After leaving my previous job due to feeling financially undervalued and watching other coworkers take full advantage of the system, without any repercussions, I handed in my two weeks noticed with a bitter taste all the while forgetting what I was leaving behind: the people. I forgot all about the badass women who I worked with, and those relationships I no longer had, especially when the work days’ were tough. I took for granted the relationship and trust with my old Manager, which I had an incredibly honest and raw relationship (he reminded me that although we sometimes yell, it’s not directed at one another).

 After once again having to talk one of my hiring managers off the ledge at the Mine regarding a postponed offer being sent out, and the toxicity coming from the General Manager, I finally made an appointment to start counselling.

After a few sessions, I learned that I was experiencing Imposter Syndrome, where, despite all the success and the constant stream of ‘atta girl, I was so certain that I wasn’t good enough to be the recruiter and someone realizing this was a huge fear. Despite the praises, I was still unable to take constructive criticism well, and despite all that money, my work-life balance was deteriorating. To this day, the morning vibrations on my cell phone still sends me spiraling back to the Saturday mornings when my work e-mail screamed for attention, with each incoming email vibrated through my work phone and Mike was asking me if I’m getting paid on my time in an ever disapproving tone.

When the Mine HR Manager mentioned my contract and casually offered me a permanent position, I countered with an extension of my contract and declined the permanent offer. 

It's a tough to know that I'm not fit to be a ball-buster, that this badass feminist has no desire to stay in the corporate world. Fuck, that still is a hard pill to swallow. If I would have stayed at the Mine, I know I could have gone places, and my career would have taken off, with the dollars pouring in, but I would have given up pieces of me until I lost myself. I would have aquired a lifestyle I didn't even want in exchange for a work environment that was slowly suffocating me.

I walked away with my head high and my job well done. I gave everything I had and I know I did well, still, the independent woman in me is disappointed I couldn't make happiness out of a career like that.

On my last week at the Mine, I chatted with a co-worker and confessed my work stress and anxiety. I admitted that I was perhaps too soft-skinned for such an abrasive work environment and I needed to work on developing some courage and callous. She responded that perhaps I just needed to not be in such a work environment with those people.

February 2021

After living in Smithers, I realized how rare it is to have a blue bird sky here. With a combination of being surrounded by enormous mountains (one of which is Hudsons Bay Mountain, the ski hill), living in the valley and the Bulkly River moving ever so sluggishly, apparently inversions are the norm and rarely is there a day where we aren’t fully cloud covered. But today, we were blessed with an uncommon blue sky. I could feel the sun warming me up on the Hill, as we rode up on the chairlift and I couldn’t stop commenting on how it was so nice out. It was a fantastic day.

I habitually checked my email after Snowboarding and received and email from the controller at the Tree Planting Corporation candidly requesting a second interview. The arrogant characteristics of the Owner/CEO reminded me far too much of the GM from a lifetime ago.  In the most eloquent way possible, I told them to fuck off. It was the most empowering and glorious feeling ever. Within a week’s time I’d be accepting another offer, full circling to where I left, back to my people, only this time with more knowledge, better perspectives and a different appreciation. It’s time to come home.

The way you tell your story to yourself matters.

Kirstin

*Austria is on hold for 12 months because COVID is awful.