Give Forgiveness a Try

I’m tired of being quick to anger when I’m around her. I don’t even understand how I can get so illogically mad with the things that she does – I see daggers when she chooses not to partake in a conversation and yet I also see them when she does come up and attempts smalltalk; it’s as if I can’t possibly see the good in her.

This isn't my fault (I add, defensively), she's turned me against her with her underhanded complements, subtle grievances and even those occasional actions that outright express that she has no interest in inviting me into the world that she's overtaken. I.get.so.angry. to such a point that I question who I am after these toxic interactions have occurred. I do not get this angry, I am not that person.

The thing is, she`s tearing my world apart, and I'm letting her. Me avoiding her is resulting in me missing out on important aspects of my life – parts of it that I will not get back, and these people will only remain in my life for so long before my next venture. So, I ask myself, holding in this anger, this resentment and these negative thought, who is this really impacting? 

Ultimately, I suppose that this is no fault but my own. I can choose to react differently, and believe the best of her. It`s not in my personality or in my nature to think these kinds of behaviors are of the human nature. I'm just choosing to construe these notions one way, and falsely create these accusations when perhaps it's meant to be interpreted another way.

I've been invited to a weekend class on forgiveness. I'm going to start over, and try to repair this so these exchanging of words don't have to be so volatile, so negatively all consuming. I'm calling a truce, and openly acknowledge with her that this is how I have been understanding our relationship to be, and that I don't want it to continue this way. It's all too emotionally exhausting.

I suppose for it's for my benefit as much as it`s for hers. Anger takes up so much energy and I wasn't built to be an angry person, to hold onto grudges or to allow my heart to hurt as it does, given these situations. 

Worst case scenario, I can kill her with kindness. Maybe she really is a good person.

 -K

Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die - Budha