Making a Life of Ones Own

I can’t even finish Kate Bolick’s book without writing about it. Essentially, this book is a combination of Bolick’s life throughout her past forty plus years and how during certain milestones of her life this editor came across a handful of women who were famously single during the eras of their own time. All of these women are at one point unmarried and without children, and in the pages of her book, Spinster, Bolick focuses on this aspect of their life. While providing pieces and clips on each woman, Bolick sorts through her own life in chronological order, where she identifies with each of the woman’s singlehood. 

Bolick has provided me with plenty of solid examples of women who have not only survived, but thrived being without partner. Edna Millay is one I’m particularly fond of. She was notorious for breaking hearts; having had scandalous encounters with both men and women, it seemed Edna was never quite meant for merely one person. Bollick explains that Edna had a way of making people believe she was gorgeous despite not being particularly astonishing physically, there was simply a presence about her, perhaps it was her sure disposition and intellectual persona.

Edna Millay does eventually get married, but her marriage is far from conventional, as her husband was known to often encourage open relationships, for the both of them, and it seemed she was quite content with the arrangement. I appreciate this perspective, as the current conventional and monogmonous relationship that marriages are currently being built on are seemingly not always the prefect option as their success rates are ever failing. Bolick also explains that in today’s world, despite the fact that divorces are very much acceptable, the promise of faithful marriages are commonly broken when cheating often occurs. Perhaps unconventional relationships should be a little less frowned upon.

What I love about this book is that Bolick admits to how unsecure she be with her singlehood and how she sometimes wavers on her choice of (or the choices the led her to) being without a partner. There are several fragments where she mistrusts her decision and at times longs to be in a committed relationship where she has someone to share the successes and bills (in my case, orange juice) with.

I’ve admitted to myself that ending one of my relationships was so heart retching because although the idea of marriage is not at all appealing, if there were any person I were to marry, it would have been that particular love. Bolick alludes to this exact secret, and quite regularly she questions that very decision to end a specific long term relationship. She explains that she can’t even step foot in an area of Brooklyn for flashes of an old relationship come flooding back, a feeling, within Calgary, I am most certainly familiar with; when we parted ways, a past partner surly took a piece of me with him. 

Ultimately Kate Bolick takes the negatively and often dreaded approach to the term Spinster and turns it into something appealing, something beautiful, perhaps even desirable? Despite being the 21^st century, woman are still readily asked about dating, sex, marriage and children first and foremost, whereas men are excluded from this tyrant form of pressure and expectations. What I truly love about this book is that each woman refuses to let the cultural rules of our North American life rule their life. They don’t cave into the pressures of society and their individualism shines through even at their worst. Like Edna, who refuses to set aside her desires for the greater good or to merely do what expected of her at the cost of what she needs to do to feel alive. Simply, everything’s done on their own terms.

I don’t think Kate is promoting the reader to take on Spinsterhood, I believe she is simply providing a great example of an alternative lifestyle and really encouraging the reader to question their life choices, and this could be any life choice. I think she is asking the reader: what made you choose that path, desire or obligation?

- K

Don't organize your life around the persuite of a mate because there are much more interesting things to be doing with your life.